Eurotrip…The Genesis

28 Aug


I decided to write a post this week to cheer you guys up.  *Waits as everyone thinks to themselves if they were depressed at some point this week*… but Jon what do I need cheering up from you ask?   Well, with Ben Afleck becoming the new Batman, and with those horrid images of Miley Cyrus “twerking” (I use the term almost as loosely as her butt) on Robin Thicke, we’ve all had a pretty shitty week.  So hopefully this post does the trick and gets us all out of this funk…If nothing else, it will keep my boredom at bay.  If you recall a few posts ago, I talked about recently coming from Europe so I decided to share my trip with you guys.  For the last few years, I’ve had the opportunity to see some really cool places, and this year was no different.

The objective: 6 Countries, 8 Cities all in 12 Days.  We would be exploring via plane, train, and boat.  Now that we have the logistics covered, here’s how I almost got arrested the night before I was supposed to leave.  What’s a good vacation without some police involvement?  I land in Miami and no sooner after, I get a call from my friend Paco.  She tells me she’ll be there shortly to pick me up.  I tell her to watch out as the cops are pulling over people randomly….and of course on her arrival..she gets pulled over.  This would prove to be important in the next hour or so. The next set of events were a blur.  Literally as I step into her car, an inanimate object streaks by the car.  I paid it no mind…I hate Miami airport and whenever I’m there, I’m usually trying to get out as fast as possible.   As we drive off onto the freeway, we realized that said inanimate object, was really a dog on a leash that had escaped his owner.  This dog was now bobbing and weaving in and out of traffic like he was in a Tyson fight, and came perilously close to being struck down multiple times.  Paco’s “brilliant” idea: WE have to save it.  Now I have a problem with the pronoun we….well…mainly because it involves me.  Now before you guys get all defensive and call PETA for me, I’ve been bitten TWICE in the last year by the same dog…ironically Paco’s dog Papi…and for the record…No Paco nor Papi are hispanic.  Don’t get me wrong…I love dogs…just not enough to get out onto a freeway, to save a dog…especially a dog that I didn’t know.  Who knew what his intentions were…maybe he was trained to bite black people?  Maybe he had a bad owner and he was intentionally trying to runaway and we were foiling his plans?  Either way, I wanted no part of this rescue mission.  Apparently this didn’t appeal to Paco’s morals…I was signed up for the mission… much to my dismay.

Paco’s grand plan: she would try to pin the dog against the median and I would get out and….I ended that plan immediately.  In fact it was the worst plan I had ever heard in my entire life…in no way was I getting out to battle with this dog.  I said I’d drive, and if she wanted to SHE could go outside and tackle man’s best friend.  She agreed.  We attempted to pin the dog numerous times, at one point we got really close but he just ducked under and escaped…we exchanged our favorite expletives.  At this point Paco says, “I’ll get out and try to catch him, he’s getting tired, follow me in the car.”  I knew it was a dumb idea, but all I could muster up was an “ok.”  No sooner had this plan gone into effect, when Paco went rogue.  Not even 15 seconds into the plan, Paco went down an off ramp into ONCOMING traffic, so clearly there was no way to follow her.  Did I mention Tiara is running after this dog in her work clothes, barefoot?  Shit was real.  I pull over onto the shoulder (next to a no parking sign might I add) and watch as both girl and puppy run down the ramp getting smaller and smaller and smaller.  I think eventually Tiara (oops I said her name) will get tired of this, see that her attempts were futile, and return…I’d be here 10 minutes tops.  Then I see flashing red and blue lights.  Great.  I go over to the officer, explain the outlandish situation, he couldn’t have cared less and drove off.

A half hour later, no shoes, no puppy, no Paco.  Did I mention that Paco left her cell phone in the car?  The perfect storm.   At this point the engine had been running and with no sign of Paco, I figured I may as well not damage the ozone layer anymore and cut the car off.  This would prove to be a vital mistake in the next few minutes. Literally two minutes later, Paco calls.  She somehow has ended up back at the Arrivals area where she picked me up from and tells me to pick her up there.  I say no problem…but there is a problem.  Paco’s car key is a little different than most in that….the key is cut in half!  It’s impossible to turn the key in the ignition.  I would later find out that there is a special technique to starting her car.  I go to start the car and nothing.  The engine sputtered twice…almost like it was laughing at me.   Another cop car arrives at this time, and the officer asks me to move the vehicle.  I tell him of my plight and he drives off but says he’ll get a wrecker to tow the car.  I panic.  Another cop car comes 5 minutes later.  I tell her of the story and she says she knows Paco and recognizes the car, as it was the same police officer that had pulled her over earlier!  I told her where Paco was, she said she would pick Paco up for me and bring her where I was!  Finally!!!  Someone on my side!  I sat in the car and immediately relaxed.  Things were looking up..for all of a minute.  I should have known that this was too easy.  It was at this time that another police lady pulls up and says that I have to move the car.  I explain the situation for the umpteenth time, and inform her that my new police officer lady friend went to pick up Paco to get her to start the car.  The following conversation ensued:

Officer: “I don’t care about the dog or yo’ friend, you gone move this car today.” (From this statement I’m sure you can guess her ethnicity)

Me: “I would love to officer but I literally cannot move the car, I can’t get it started…the other officer went to get my friend so she could start the car, she’s the only one that knows how to…”

Officer: “That sounds like a personal problem…what’s the name of the other officer?”

Me: “I’m not sure, I didn’t get her name it all happened so fast.”

Officer: “What did she look like?”

Me: “She had her hair in one….was in a cop car…with flashing lights..and she was in a police uniform.”…(I think this came out a lot worse  than it was supposed to)

Officer: *Gives me death stare and begins to get on the radio for a tow truck*

It was at this point that the other officer arrived with Paco, lights flashing and all…(I’m sure Paco asked her to cut them on) and I informed Officer Bitchface, that there was the other officer arriving with my friend and that we would promptly move the vehicle.  She drove off before I could tell her to kick rocks.

Paco gets in the car and starts the car with no problem at all.  I almost punched her in the eyebrow.  For years I had been telling her to get this stupid key fixed!  Apparently she did and the replacement key doesn’t work.  Go figure.  It’s like the stars had aligned for this evening to occur…destiny if you will.  After being in the country for all of 45 minutes, I had been involved in a high speed chase, had almost been run over, and almost arrested.  The good news out of all this…somehow we saved the dog.  Apparently, the dog had just flown in with the owner’s secretary and had somehow gotten loose.  We saved a life, and almost lost ours…and here I was thinking I was going on vacation.

The next day, I arrived at the airport ready to meet my travel companion…who is it you ask?  Tune in later this week and find out when I write the second part!

*Sidebar* Let me know what you guys think of the blog…all comments are welcomed!  Talk to you guys in a couple days…

4 Responses to “Eurotrip…The Genesis”

  1. Chris August 28, 2013 at 1:48 am #

    Paco sounds dangerous. U should stay away from her!!

  2. Mary August 28, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

    lol Jon & Tiara…this could only happen to you two….maybe Smith…no one else..

  3. brewstar86 August 28, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    ahahah.. i dont appreciate how Ditz’s identity gets kept secret but mine get blast. That being said, hilarious post and unfortunately for my reputation, entirely accurate. This needed to be on Airport 24/7:Miami. The cop even said it herself ahaha

  4. Sacki September 5, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    Loved it! Even tho I know the story, I was in stitches once again! hehehehe

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