Family Chronicles

20 Oct
I was a pretty cute kid!

Who you know could pull off a big diaper and a bucket hat better than me?

So guys I want to apologize for my absence…It’s been a very busy past few weeks.  From learning 20 new languages to saving the world (yet again), you can see why I haven’t had any time to write.  Be that as it may, I’m back and I’ve decided to take you down memory lane once again.  I’m a pretty nostalgic guy, if I could I’d probably trade all my tomorrow’s for a single yesterday. After looking through some family photos, it reminded me of my childhood and all the crazy things I did/said and figured it would be fun to share with you guys so without further ado, here we go!

When Counting On Your Fingers Isn’t Enough

I remember this day like it was yesterday.  I was 5 years old.  I had just finished another exhausting day at Xavier’s Lower School but my spirits were high for this was a special afternoon.  It was Conch Fritter Fridays!  I really don’t know if it was a weekly thing…hell I don’t even know if it was a Friday, Conch Fritter Fridays just sounds cool.  For those of you that don’t know what a conch fritter is I present to you exhibit A:

I had somehow managed not to spend all of my lunch money ($3.00 in those days) and had one dollar.  I was rich.  (Amazing how that changes with age.)  Back then and in some places to this day, one dollar can get you four conch fritters.  Remember that little detail.  Either way, things had aligned themselves in such a way that right after getting my conch fritters, my mother had just arrived ready to take me home.  This day was just getting better and better.  After the usual banter of how my day was, and why didn’t I start my homework already (keep in mind school’s been out for all of like 5 minutes), I’m two conch fritters in when my mom starts interrogating me about them.  She asks me how much I paid for all four, and I replied a dollar.  She then asked me the worlds hardest question…”If you paid a dollar for four, how much is one conch fritter?”  In my brain it sounded like this: if a train is traveling to Alaska at 40 mph and a plane is going to pluto at 50 mph, how much chicken should you order from KFC?  This wasn’t on my agenda for the afternoon, I was enjoying my conch fritters and she wants to do math?!  I pretended I didn’t hear.  She was insistent.  Now you have to understand, back then, math wasn’t my strongest subject.  After pretending to count on my fingers (I was really buying time hoping for her to forget or for something to distract her like an asteroid hitting earth) and guessing, I did what any other kid would do.  I cried.  I cried like my life depended on it, like I had lost my best friend and I had just found out that cartoons wouldn’t be airing any more…on the same day.  At this point we had gotten to my grandmothers house and my mom whom instead of helping me is upset with me because I couldn’t figure this out, told her of my plight.  My grandmother gave me a hug, and told me it would be okay, and also whispered the answer to me!  Moral of the Story: If your mom asks you how much something was, just tell her it was free, it’s not worth all the tears.

Lightning, Tigers, and Bears (Oh My)

See what I did there?  Yes people for the record, I know it’s lions.  But lions (tigers, and bears…oh my…I had to it’s impossible to say that without saying the whole thing) had nothing on thunderstorms.  I was deathly afraid of them.  As much as I loved summer breaks so I wouldn’t have to be in school, I hated summer breaks because that meant afternoon thunderstorms.  Yes people living in paradise has its drawbacks.  Afternoon thunderstorms not only scared the black off of me (which is a lot of scaring), but it meant something else.  I would be scared in the dark and in the heat because you knew without fail, that the Bahamas Electricity Corporation would be turning off your electricity.  I’m sure that there is a statistical relationship between thunderstorms and them cutting the power, but I’ll look into that at a later date (yes I can do stuff like that mathematically now).  Either way it was a Sunday afternoon and my family and I had just finished eating dinner.  I looked outside and could see the ominous clouds building.  I prayed that they would go away.  No such luck.  The storm came and what do you know, our electricity went as well.  We were all in the living room, sitting and talking when there was a brilliant flash of lightning, you know the ones that light up the entire room and you can see everyones face for that split second?  Yeah one of those.  This was not to be outdone by the loudest crack of thunder I’ve ever heard to date.  Now I was in a doozie.  I had just gotten up and was in the middle of the living room…on one side I could run to my father whom was sitting on a stool or I could choose option B my mother whom was sitting on the couch.  Both options had their pros and cons.  If I went to my dad he would probably laugh at me and tell me “All that makes you a man” his age old adage for everything (being sick, falling down, losing a limb, death, everything).  While there was some truth to that, at this present moment in time, I needed the more consoling member of the team…mommy it was.  I sprinted to her and stayed there until the storm had passed.

Roaches take Flight

I hate roaches.  In fact everyone I know hates roaches.  One night my mother and sister were having a quiet evening at home, when someone saw a roach.  I figured what’s the big deal, this would be like any other roach death.  My mother (I nor my sister would not be getting anywhere near it) would get some bug spray and/or a broom, and would spray it and/or hit it with the broom.  Death would ensue and everyone would get back to their regularly scheduled programming.  This roach however had other plans.  This would be a battle to the death. My mother opted for a shoe this go around.  Apparently this killing would be personal.  As she goes to hit it, this roach transforms.  The roach spreads its wings, fluttered and prepared for flight.  None of us saw this coming.  What happened next would leave us all traumatized for years.  The roach lifted off with ease, and chased us around the house for what seemed like an eternity.  We ducked around corners, hit next to walls, dived over couches.  But this roach was not to be outdone, he followed us with ease.  He was quick, agile, and efficient.  As we screamed and ran from room to room, he chased us not missing a beat.  To this day, I’m not even sure if someone killed that roach.  I’m pretty sure I retreated into a back room where I fell asleep.  Watch out people, it could still be out there!

Honorable Mentions

“Mom, what was life like when there wasn’t color?”  – What I asked my mother when I thought, they didn’t have color when she was growing up because I had just watched Black and White TV for the first time.

“Eat it, it’s good for you, it’s full of protein and will make you strong.” – What my brother (whom was becoming a doctor at the time) told me to eat my boogers.  How was I going to argue, the guy was in medical school!

“Just plug it in…it will work” – What my dad told me before I plugged my Sega Genesis into a specially built outlet, specifically for the air condition unit that needed increased amperage because he didn’t want to get up.  As a result, my Sega blew up.

I was a pretty dumb kid (I’m still pretty dumb), but that’s half the fun of growing up.  I really enjoyed writing this article and hopefully, you guys will enjoy reading it.  I’ve got some really cool things to tell you guys about in the coming weeks, so stay tuned!

– Jonathan

One Response to “Family Chronicles”


  1. Thunderstorm | Letter Pixie - October 24, 2013

    […] Family Chronicles ( […]

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