It’s Too Hot For…Part I?

25 Jun

So it’s been a while since I last wrote but of course there is good reason for the lack thereof.  It has been undeniably, painstakingly, unapologetically, flagrantly, the hottest summer of my life and what makes this worse, is that summer only just officially started.  The thought of doing anything in this heat produces sweat.  Sigh.  Anyways, enough about the heat, I mean, its not like it can get any wor….

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Oh.  Well this is awkward isn’t it?  Typically, I leave the discussion of social ills in the Bahamas to my cousin Andrew who is a contributing author for the 10th Year Seniors Crew and this is for what I deem to be two very good reasons.  At least one of our blogs had to have some tact and if you’ve ever had the opportunity to read “Friday’s with Drew”, you’ll quickly realize that there’s just a smidgen of that missing none.  Also, when people get offended (and trust me, they will) Andrew is like 6’4 and 300lbs of Bear muscle mixed with Tiger’s blood and hubris.  Considering I’m 5’10 (let me live), and about a buck 75, I have no problem letting him address these issues on my behalf after all, not all heroes wear capes.

Be that as it may, Andrew has been relatively busy with being nominated for an Icon Award for his Blog, blah, blah #bloggoals, blah, blah congrats or whatever…blah, blah give me some followers…blah,blah but seriously give me some followers.  As such, I have taken it upon myself to address some of the issues that I’m sure were on the back burner (heat pun intended).  And so, let us embark on this journey…bring a hat, some sunblock and a flashlight for the forthcoming shade.

It’s lunch time and you have one hour to leave work, grab lunch, get back to work, and eat it.  It is entirely too hot, for you to come into Subway or any made to order establishment and customize orders for thirty three coworkers.

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Actual Photo of an order when I was at Subway the other day.

I blame your coworkers (well and if you actually decided to take all of these orders I blame you as well). Did they honestly think Christine from Accounts could take thirty three orders by herself?  And no one thought to go and help?  What makes matters worse is there are always those coworkers with these specific ass orders written poorly on a crumpled yellow post it.

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Let me get a Foot-Long Steak & Cheese but cut off a 1/2 a foot cuz you know I can’t eat too much Bread…I bloat…American Cheese, 73 pieces of lettuce, 12 pieces of green pepper cut in 1/2 inch lengths, 1.378 ounces of mustard and three chocolate chip cookies with 12 chocolate chips in each one.

Poor Christine never had a chance.  And then they had the nerve to order drinks!  How is she supposed to take all this to the car?  Meanwhile the line be like:

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Just a little while longer…

I am trying to Eat Fresh, and Christine and her cohort of life ruiners won’t let me be great.  Don’t be Christine.

Meanwhile, let’s talk about “driving” in the Bahamas.  Air quotes are necessary because it isn’t so much driving but more about surviving.  Driving in the Bahamas is like playing Mario Kart without brakes and all the bananas and magic boxes.  First things first, I’m just going to rest this right here.

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Study it.  Print it.  Put it in your cars.  Hell…let’s call a town meeting.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  The fact that Bahamians don’t know how to use roundabouts is both tragic and funny given the irony that you can’t go two lampposts without running into one.  It’s too hot to be getting into accidents especially given the long wait time you’ll have to endure waiting on the police to arrive.  And we all know how impatient Bahamians are when it comes to driving which brings me to my next point.  I know it’s hot.  Disgracefully so.  But if you honk at me when the light literally just turned green, I’ll move slower than molasses in mud.  #factsonly

Don’t even get me started on the poor excuse for parking I’ve seen throughout the country.

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Here’s a fun fact:  The white lines aren’t there for decoration.

You know what it really is too hot for though?  Bahamians and WhatsApp messages. Let’s start with the vary basics.  The name of the application is WhatsApp.  Not WhatsUp.  Notice the A versus the U and the different sounds they make.  Continuing on, how many times have we received a message like this?

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It’s really too hot for people to be telling me I’m doing the work of the devil and will go to hell for not forwarding this on to 10 people.  I have a funny feeling getting into Heaven has a little more to do with your own relationship with God and how you lived your life versus how many people you forwarded a text to.  Call me silly.

Also, WhatsApp is at its very core…a communication tool.  A way to speak with friends, families, business associates etc.  No reputable company is going to send out news that they are recalling a product on WhatsApp.  There’s this thing called the news that you might have heard about.  Also, while on the topic of circulating messages, no one wants to see images from the “really bad accident” or “crime scene”.  Not only is that disrespectful to the families that may have just lost a loved one, but it usually comes from those that have been entrusted to exercise judgement and to be confidential.

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Because the only way for Dasani to tell us Parasites are in the water is through a WhatsApp message… 

Also, enough with WhatsApp calls.  Now if you live in another country or you’re traveling, I totally understand the benefits of utilizing this feature but if you live in the same country and trying to call me over WhatsApp, it’s too hot for that.  Talking on the regular phone is hard enough as it is and you want to talk to me over a network that can’t even handle my regular phone calls?

I straight.  Call me from a landline.

Life’s a Beach.  Enjoy the waves….(cuz the sand is too hot).

 

 

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